MORE NEWS THAN YOU CAN POSSIBLY BELIEVE!
Fox News Successfully Lands Anchor Atop Desk
The Fox News Network announced today that it has become the first cable news network to successfully land a news anchor atop a desk during a live broadcast. Molly Henneberg, 35, of Falls Church Virginia and a seven year veteran at Fox News, touched down on the front left side of the Weekend Live desk at exactly 3:00 p.m. eastern time on Saturday. "This is a proud and exciting moment for all of us here at Fox News," said Roger Ailes, president of Fox News Network." Today's landing is the culmination of a controversial ten year project at Fox which has seen its share of failure. In 2000, anchors Brit Hume and Shepard Smith were hospitalized after an attempted joint landing ended in a fiery crash. Many called for Fox to end the project in 2006 after CBS News successfully landed Katie Couric on her desk for a full 60 seconds during an evening broadcast. Ailes said today that the Henneberg landing was "a vindication for all of us at Fox News who worked so hard to make this moment possible, and a great way for all of you guys out there to check out Molly's gams."
Bush Administration Hopes You'll Like Their New Hurricane Response
Determined to avoid the type of public relations fiasco that followed Hurricane Katrina, the Bush administration has authorized the Federal Emegency Management Agency (FEMA) to release "All resources at it's disposal" for an effort targeted at keeping the White House from appearing incompetent in the wake of Hurricane Dolly. White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, speaking at her daily press briefing, said, " There was so much damage caused by Katrina , ranging from the extremely critical coverage of the President to a tragic drop in the President's approval rating, that we recognized changes need to be made. President Bush wants Americans to know that, on his watch, such a public relations catastrophe will never happen again." Perino said FEMA has already sent a specially trained unit of speechwriters, advertising consultants, and polsters to South Texas to prepare for the aftermath of Hurricane Dolly. "FEMA will be working closely with local law enforcement and emergency responders to make certain that, no matter what the situation on the ground, the American public will be given the perception that the Federal Government responded quickly and effectively."
Favre, Packers Come To Terms On Murder-Suicide Pact
In a move designed to settle the ongoing issue of whether Brett Favre will be released from his contract, the Green Bay Packers and their Pro Bowl quarterback have reached a tentative agreement on a murder-suicide pact, according to Favre's agent Bus Cook. The deal, which is still pending league approval, will grant Favre an unconditional release from the final two years of his contract on the condition that he return to the team sometime during training camp to kill new starting quarterback Aaron Rogers and then himself in "some kind of dramatic, Shakespeare-type fashion," Cook said today in an interview with Shoppers Daily Magazine. In the interview, Cook said that Favre had balked at the Packer's first offer, which stipulated that he "take a long walk off a short pier ," and the Packers had been cool to Favre's counter-offer that the entire team, management and fans should "crawl into a hole and die." "I knew that the Packers owed Brett, a three time MVP, a better deal than that," said Cook. The team and Favre had been at odds for several months, ever since Farve, who announced his retirement last winter, expressed a desire to be reinstated as a player. After Packer General Manager Ted Thompson said that Farve, should he return, would not be offered the job as starting quarterback, Favre demanded to be released from his contract so he could play for another team. The Packers refused, not wishing for Favre to end his career playing for a division rival such as the Minnesota Vikings or the Chicago Bears. "What we had was an intractible situation," said Thompson, when contacted by the associated press to confirm the story. We love Brett. Green Bay loves Brett. We have always loved him, and we knew that if he ever played for another team, we wouldn't be able to live with it. That's why, regrettably, we have to do this. If we can't have Brett, then no one can."