McCain Announces Plan For "Lots More Surges"

In a position paper posted today on his website, presumptive Republican Presidential nominee John McCain laid out an ambitious plan to “employ surges in America to solve America’s problems.”  The plan calls for large forces of American troops to be called in to tackle domestic issues, from the failing housing market to the struggling health care system. When asked to comment on the plan, McCain campaign manager Terry Nelson said, “This is a good example of why Senator McCain is the best choice to be the next President of the United States. He was the only candidate who supported the troop surge in Iraq. He staked his candidacy on it. Now that the surge is working,  Senator McCain recognizes that if the surge worked over there it can sure as heck work over here.” The strategy, as described by Nelson, calls for the U.S. military to call in between 15,000-20,000 troops for each “domestic battlefield situation.” Nelson explained, “Let’s take the sub-prime mortgage crisis. The Senator has already drawn up a plan for two marine brigades to hit the Federal Home Loan Mortgage Corporation, secure it, and in concert with local authorities, retrain mortgage brokers so they better understand regulations requiring  a non servicing banker to disclose the exact percentage of loans actually funded and serviced as opposed to sold or brokered.”  Nelson also said that McCain planned to call up additional troops, if necessary, to “clamp down” on public schools not in compliance with the government’s No Child Left Behind guidelines and would “leave no option off the table” in the “War Against Increasing the Capital Gains Tax." 


McCain Camp Outraged Over Media's Middle Name Bias

The John McCain campaign is becoming increasingly vocal in it's contention that the media has shown an unfair bias in favor of Barack Obama's middle name during the 2008 presidential race. "I mean, come on! Enough is enough," complained Terry Nelson, McCain's campaign manager. "All you ever hear in the main stream media is 'Barack Hussein Obama this, Barack Hussein Obama that.' How many times have you heard mention of the name John Sidney McCain III?  Not very often! If there was ever a more egredious case of media favoritism, I would like to see it." Using a pie charts, fact sheets, and brief puppet show, Nelson illustrated for reporters the negative impact  the media's continued lack of attention to Senator McCain's middle name was having on his candidacy. Nelson was specifically concerned that come November voters named Hussein will outnumber voters named Sidney, particularly in swing states. Nelson then stated that the McCain camp has, in the works, a plan to launch a campaign to raise awareness that their candidate's middle name is Sidney. The plan includes the distribution of "John Sidney McCain III" t-shirts, photo appearances with Sidney Crosby of the Pittsburgh Penguins, a cook-out in Sidney, Nebraska, and a new policy of only speaking to reporters who refer to the Senator as "Senator John Sidney McCain III."

McCain Launches "Scare Up Votes" Ad Campaign

Charles R Black, Jr., one of Presidential candidate John McCain's most senior political advisors, announced today at a hastily arranged press conference the launching of McCain's new "Scare Up Some Votes" campaign. Black, who in a recent Fortune Magazine interview said that a new terrorist attack in America would "certainly be a big advantage" to Senator McCain, told an assemblage of reporters that, "We know that fear will be very useful to us as we move closer to the general election. Americans are a very hardworking, industrious, paranoid people. It is our hope, moving forward, to be able to define more clearly to voters those things about which they should be very, very, afraid." Black added that "We know that there are many Americans who are afraid that our country will be attacked again by terrorists, and that's good. But according to our polling, that number is static. There remains a significant, stubborn group of people who refuse to be frightened by the specter of crazed islamo-fascist maniacs. Here's what else we know. Everyone is afraid of something." At this point in the press conference the lights began to inexplicably strobe, and Black threw back his head in what can only be described as maniacal laughter. After about 30 seconds the lighting was restored and Black continued, saying, "Look, people have all kinds of fears. We just want to make sure that we do all we can to communicate to the American voter how those fears relate to Barack Obama. Let's say you have arachnophobia, for example. We need for you to know that if you step into that booth on November 7th and vote for Barack Obama, you will wake up on November 8th covered with spiders. Or, worse, Obama might appoint giant, carnivorous spiders to his cabinet." Black said that the McCain camp is planning to release a series of "really creepy" ads, possibly directed by M. Night Shymalan, or Brian DePalma this fall, that will create an association between Senator Obama and, "You know, being buried alive, or being stalked by a headless ghost, or having the capitol gains tax rate raised by 7%, stuff like that." Black concluded the press conference around a campfire where he told reporters that a crazed psycho killer had just escaped from the State Penitentiary and was somewhere in the area.


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